So There's This Girl.

Sunday, October 19, 2008
Names have been changed for privacy. That's right.

I've seen 3 different videos of the Talent Night performance. For the one where my guitar was loudest, Andrew Tan's guitar was almost non-existent. Also, I just realized how tinny sounding my guitar was. Okay, enough about the sound system.

And to get that bloody post out of the way,

I think I'll join Dance Club next sem.

Back in Form 4, I used to go to Mr Siew's tuition classes for physics and chemistry.

In Form 5, I moved to a different day for the classes.

It was on a Friday that I first saw MJ.

I was sitting in the back of the class, since I didn't know anyone there, and all of them were chatting in Cantonese. She was wearing an oversized T-shirt, with the sleeves pulled up slightly. I'm not sure how to describe it.

I remember thinking her hair was beautiful. It was this subtle shade of dark brown. And I loved her eyes. You know. They were like the proverbial doe-eyes.

The thing about trying to tell a full account of this is that everything is so multi-layered and complex. When I describe an event here, it's not the same as when I experienced it. When I experienced it, there were a number of different emotions and thoughts and feelings all bundled into one and occuring at the same time.

So this is a futile exercise. I really should stop.

Oh, who cares. Think what you want of me.

She stopped coming to the Friday class. I think she only came on Friday for replacement.

I had a hard time getting her number, but I did manage it, and then she didn't reply.

It was only after a month or two that she actually replied my messages, and that was done infrequently and coldly. But, well. There's this mental image of her that I still have until now, that of her sitting on a swing at night. It's a bit hard to describe.

She called me. It was during the 1st tests.

Then she stopped. Because her friend got pregnant.

A few months later, she got a boyfriend. Peter. Peter and MJ.

All the days after that were painful.

I remember going into tuition, and Matt showing me a video of the Desa Perdana's IU Day/Night/whatever dance, and pointing out a girl and saying she was the prettiest. I looked and saw that it was MJ.

I remember Matt telling me that his friends said she was a bitch.

I remember coming online sometime this year and casually wishing her for something, I think it was Valentine's Day. Or maybe not. It was for some celebration.

And I remember finding out that she and Peter had broken up a month or so before that.

We talked a bit.

I sms-ed her the next day. She didn't reply.

We talked a bit more.

It was after I had quit my job in Cortefiel. She was still working at HP.

I remember trying to feel detached about the whole thing and not too expectant. I mean, I've already been hurt before. Like hell. Not going to get hurt again, am I?

We became friends, then buddies,

and a lot of shit happened along the way. A lot. I'm not even going to go into it.

And we got together, didn't we? I suppose, in the future, she probably will never look at me as an ex, though. Don't ask why.

The last time we met in person was when she came to Sri Petaling. I waited for her at the Bukit Jalil station after college, and we walked to Endah Parade. We ate at the Kopitiam-or-something shop near Carrefour. I hope I never eat there again.

I remember the times before that. When I went to Taman Desa in a taxi, and had to take one back. And the first time I did that, we went to a mamak shop, she camwhored on my phone, and then left me there.

I remember her wearing the black MCR shirt. When we were near the pharmacy and it was raining.

I miss her.

I miss laughing about things like verbally pronouncing lmao (lermow). And about her pet in that Facebook game. Tofu. And mine. Ebenezer.

It wasn't perfect. I knew that even then. But it was the best I ever had. I thought I had found the one. As cliched as that sounds, I really did.

There are so many things about you that I wish I could just say, but I can't. So there it is. There'll be things that no one else will ever know, at least not from me, things that I will have to keep and think about until the day I die, which isn't that far off, really.

I used to love just staring into your eyes.

It was in Sunway's library. I was sitting down and I got your message and I felt cold and detached and I really didn't think about it. It didn't register.

But you knew, didn't you? We couldn't just be friends, not after all of that. I mean, I guess you could. I couldn't.

I couldn't face the fact that I had met the One, and she didn't want me.

I guess no one in college realized, but I changed sometime after that.

There's a dull throbbing in my head that I get whenever I'm not listening to music, and it comes about when I'm in a quiet place for some time.

I've listened to Konstantine by Something Corporate every single day since then.

There's no closure, and I don't think there ever will be. Because when you left, it felt like you took a small part of me away that I never knew about. My body constantly feels heavy now and my heart feels sore. Yes, sore. In the sense that I'm painfully aware of it, but it doesn't hurt or ache. It's just there, and I can feel it, and I don't want to feel it, because feeling it is so fucking painful.

I remember the card you made for me. Where you drew me in the Radiohead shirt I was wearing, and you drew me with only one hand. I still have the card.

Perhaps you'll forget me, one day in the future. Or you'll look back and vaguely remember something about me.

But you made me realise that I'm not a small kid anymore. The world doesn't run the way I want it to. I can't do almost anything I want. And sometimes you have to fall, and when you do, sometimes it isn't anyone's fault.

Because everyone has to fall.

It's just my luck that I had to fall now.

By the way,
I had a dream last night. That you re-added me in Facebook. And unblocked me in MSN. It felt very real. I remember feeling very happy in a surreal way. It was like if I focused too much on the happiness, it would disappear like one of those 3-D pictures that only pop up when you look at it in a distant unfocused, 2-at-once way.

And I couldn't help it, I felt happy, and I woke up.