TO a new blog.
Have fun finding it.
Lovedrug - Ghost By Your Side.
Remember I told you - in life
and death -
we'd bury our secrets when they tear us apart.
But love means going this far
Even when the ending is the start.
If you dive into the ocean, then I
will be the wave around you tonight.
And if you're sinking, then oh it's alright
Cause I will be the ghost
who is
at your
side.
and death -
we'd bury our secrets when they tear us apart.
But love means going this far
Even when the ending is the start.
If you dive into the ocean, then I
will be the wave around you tonight.
And if you're sinking, then oh it's alright
Cause I will be the ghost
who is
at your
side.
I'll take your pictures all down
Every picture you paint
I will paint myself out.
Packing for the move tomorrow.
Not really, that's a lie. Done nothing but toss out papers. Throwing away fragments of my life again.
I've had that dull, empty feeling for the past 2 months or so now. When my mind is not filled with random, continuous garbage Internet stimulation, all I feel is the restlessness to be somewhere else. It starts as a dulling of feelings - a feeling defined by being antithetical. Oh so original.
It sits with problems I try to ignore - things I've been thinking about but try not to. It nibbles on self-doubt and brushes with self-pity, presumably. Sorry, I have always sucked at metaphors. It says, that is relatively impossible, since you relatively suck at everything anyway.
Yeah well.
So many problems - and the worst part is I know how petty they are. But I can't figure out the root cause. I need to know what's the main cause behind this, and I've always known for every hyped-up self-identity crisis, but not now.
It's everything. It's what all the past failures, the past self-beating-ups have been leading to. It starts with hate and anger - misguided and mistaken. Or are they? Eventually all there is to hate is hate, the reason is inconsequential, it is justifiable and self-sustainable.
It starts with excuses. With needing to find someone to blame. Always someone to blame.
It starts with expectations. A glorified sense of self-purpose. Always better - and why not? People are unimportant, all bumbling bystanders in the way of - what? What is it you're looking for?
That should have been "I'm", not "you're".
It starts with everything. A never-changing pot of pent-up rage and frustration, always boiling but never quite spilling over the brim. Except it does. And it always has. And essentially all it ever does is spill.
I hear the booming fake double bass. The slightly-delayed miscued strokes across vibrating violin strings.
What does failure sound like?
Failure doesn't exist. It is an abstraction, a concept created by humans. It is a void. It is a negation.
How can I ask 'Why doesn't anything go right?' when I don't want things to go right? That's the overwhelming view, isn't it?
No, it isn't. The real crux is, people don't care. They have their own lives, their own problems.
I just want.
Is it fair? Is it just?
Does it matter?
You can argue on either side. Who is right? What is right?
There is a god. There isn't. Does it matter? To you, yes. Belief is so important, so-
I do not believe.
There is nothing to believe in. There are dark holes where you think things used to be, except they never were. It is a woman crying in the rain, saying how can you lose something you never had?
But of course you can. You've never had anything, no one's ever had anything, and no one ever will. But you can lose, we can lose, everyone can lose everything. And they have.
How?
How do you save a world?
Does it need saving?
So people are dying. Starving. Is that wrong? If you were in his position, what would you do? You can theorize your moral stands now. You can dream of what ifs, what could bes. That's all they ever will be.
I am lost.
I am so lost.
I need something. I need a purpose. I need to know that there is something beyond this life, something I am meant to be doing, although I know there isn't. There is no higher purpose to existence, there is only horror and abject pity and absurdism and accepting the fact without letting go.
Oh, you people. How I hate you.
All I ever wanted to do was help.
All I want is to
Be a ghost in Lyra's world.
Walk amongst the translucent shadows and tell the truth, stripped clean of everything, even honesty. I want to see my own truth as I tell it and walk out of the hole and disperse into Dust.
To be pulled apart and float amongst the birds and the stars. To be here, there, everywhere. To know that somewhere, in two worlds, two lovers sit on a bench, and nothing will change that. Because it is a book. A story. An ended, closed, limited world where there is absolute truth.
I crave attention.
I crave recognition.
But, above all, I crave purpose.
I am tired of arguments. I am tired of being put down. I am tired of imagining being put down. I am tired of being ignored. I am tired of making myself ignored. I am tired of ignoring. I am tired of posturing. I am tired of wallowing in self-pity. I am tired of arrogance. I am tired of belittling. I am tired of life. I am tired of always talking about being tired of life. I am tired of thinking about death. I am tired of always thinking about death. I am tired of fighting and making up and expecting more of each other. I am tired of imagining a grand send-off, a large letter, personal shout-outs, leaving behind a legacy that will outlast the last memories, living more than the natural lifespan, far more, far longer, far
I am tired of all this talk.
Of failing.
Of needing.
Of.
I want to give up. But how? You can't give in, there's nothing to give in to.
Life is life is life.
An excuse? Do I want an excuse.
But you wouldn't understand.
I will publish this post. I will pathetically ask for help but.
There is no help to be given.
The world ticks on.
Nothing changes. Nothing will.
A spirit blows across the north.
So hard to keep acting.
No, it isn't.
It's all I've ever done.
Goodbye blog.
This should be the last post in this blog.
Hmm.
Will be setting up the new site which will probably have pretty cool stuff like real articles and advertisements wowowowowoo` 11 1 1
Anyway, if you haven't watched the acoustic demo of The Longing. That song's been floating about for ages.
Sigh.
Adbusters isn't perfect - and there are lots of things I disagree with - but it's still the most interesting magazine (or anti-magazine?) I've read. Will shell out for a 2-year subscription ($100 including the anarchist design book!) once I know for sure that I'll be staying here in teh Canadaz.
Which, you know, I probably won't.
But meh, my own fault and all that jazz. I dunno. I could do economics, I guess, but do I want to?
Not really.
Anyway.
Been skimming through brainz.org. I've read pretty much every topic on there, so here are some interesting ones.
A brief explanation of a misdemeanour arrest.
Out of curiosity, does the use of threats to gain access qualify for breaking and entering?
Before you go all OH HO THE RICHEST MAN IN THE WORLD IS NOW A MEXICAN, GOOD FOR THEM FINALLY, consider this: Carlos Slim Helu is an asshole. He admits to 'not believing in charity' and is pretty much the Mexican equivalent of a Mahathir crony to the power of 20.
Bill Gates, on the other hand, has donated more money than any person alive.
The top 3 richest people in the world have more wealth than the poorest 49 (or so) countries combined.
But heil capitalism, eh?
New, tiny water purifiers.
You Say Party! We Say Die! - She's Spoken For
Woe of Tyrants - The Venus Orbit
La Roux - Armour Love
La Roux is a pretty good duo, but I've been reading some ridiculous reviews of them. A 'thinking man's Lady Gaga'? Really? For Christ's sake, their material is a lot less inventive and more repetitive. And the lyrics are meh at best.
Fever Ray - Coconut
Fever Ray deserve all the critical hard-ons La Roux get and more.
Elliott Smith - Say Yes
Ahhh Elliott Smith.
Marilyn Manson - Just a Car Crash Away
I've said it before but it bears repeating - WHAT IS UP WITH THE LAST MARILYN MANSON ALBUM IT WAS TERRIBLE
Ha! Some racist anti-Japanese posters from the war.
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Date with the Night
I would have thought 'Scientology' would be on that list.
My cat is still unnamed.
I don't really have 'role models'. I don't get the concept, really. Sure, I admire and respect many different characteristics and achievements from different people but it's a stretch to say that I model my approach to business entirely on a single person. The truth is, everyone's an asshole.
Having said that, I probably admire Jack White's approach to music more than any other musician. It's all rather brilliantly paradoxical with him - the dichotomy between yearning for as little technology as possible and using fuzz and octave pedals to create sounds that would be impossible otherwise.
Also, he was a total badass in It Might Get Loud.
Played till his fingers literally bled and everything too.
50 Most Brilliant Atheists of All Time. Not a comprehensive list, of course, but also a bit silly. It's like making a list of the top 20 most brilliant fans of jazz.
Sally Shapiro - Skating in the Moonshine
Shockingly enough, my Silversun Pickups shirt is actually more comfortable than any American Apparel t-shirts. Then again, the AA ones tend to be too tight around the neck. Probably can't wear them in Malaysia. Sigh.
Bill Gates at TED. TED's become fairly popular recently. I haven't caught up with some of the latest talks.
Whitetown - Your Woman
Why you should not sell your soul - even for a puppy
What would you do for bacon?
The classic study showing why threatening does not work.
Another very important study. Shows how we model our memory based on expectations.
Audioslave - Moth
Herd mentality, one of the two fundamental driving forces of human behaviour and actions. The other is, of course, self-interest. A short description of herd mentality.
Look it's robin hood
LOL.
How to just answer a simple question. From Basic Instructions, naturally.
This loft is pretty neat. Only 5m underwater though, so you'd have to deal with privacy issues.
Samsung is corrupt? Omg no wai
Annie - Heartbeat
http://sports.yahoo.com/soccer/blog/sow_experts/post/The-two-man-bicycle-kick?urn=sow,236168
http://sports.yahoo.com/soccer/blog/sow_experts/post/Celta-Vigo-Goalkeeper-charges-up-the-pitch-to-sh?urn=sow%2C236533
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=398189097272
Better things have been said
by better people
Sasha Grey won't take that (lolpun).
In case you haven't been keeping track of what's going on. A bit late, but I didn't realized this post was a draft, not, you know, a post.
Things Worth Killing For II - the public exposure of the truth.
How could this not be common sense?
Attach this to your economics textbook.
4am, we meet again
You've felt this way before, of course.
Recorded on teh iPhone. Single take etc etc all that jazz. Added a bit of reverb in the beginning before I compressed and exported from Garage Band.
The cover of Superstar (not the Tegan & Sara song).
Apparently the first Iron Man movie was largely built around improv. I thought as much, a lot of the scenes flowed very naturally, though RDJ does that in all his movies anyway.
A bunch of 'truths' about University.
Hmm. Has University been a successful experience for me?
Nahhhhh.
From your weekly series of Malaysia Boleh - new and improved ineptness/corruption/stupidity!
As I've been saying for the last 10 years or so, racial bias is ingrained into our very nature (if you've been disagreeing with me, lol), but more stunningly, it's all down to a gene.
Is it me or is this woman really stupid? Hint: It's not me.
Now, I generally am always against the rapist - even when those polls showed women placing part of the blame on the victims - but this is just plain retarded.
Holla we want prenup we want prenup yeah cos when she leave yo ass she gon leave with half
I would like to, at this point, mention that I despise conspiracy theorists. Thank you.
Wow.
Micro loans go go go
A handy guide to the battles between the three superpowers of the world.
Mmmm Zooey. Heh.
October 2010 is the release date for Let Me In. Can't wait.
It's the remade-by-Americans version of Let The Right One In.
Going to get a site up (for real, this time) after the exams. Probably get a Wordpress platform to start off with.
The first post will be about, I think, my experiences with the Macbook and the iPhone. For the most part, while I've been impressed, there've been a lot of negatives too.
Also, I've been messing about with a couple of interesting apps (exams? what exams?). I've about 20 tracks recorded from RjDj - about 10 or so decent ones. User-created scenes let you make interactive ambient tracks. Examples include playing back input in reverse, drenching in reverb, fuzz, modulations, generating synth noises based on volume level of surroundings, layering harmonies in real time etc.
Some of them are very interesting, but there don't seem to be a lot of scenes. Might not be looking hard enough though. The download experience is quite annoying, while the scene downloads, you pretty much can't do anything but sit and wait.
Getting the songs off is also a huge hassle. The app has to compress and upload (takes 3-7 minutes on average) songs before you can download them off the site from the computer. Would have been easier if they could store it as a voice memo or something, but I guess Apple didn't allow the functionality.
Melodica is great fun too. It's one of those synth apps where you tap boxes to create melodies. Huh. That's not really accurate though. Go google it or something.
VoiceBox lets you create drums, bass, trumpets, and guitars using your voice. A bit finicky though, still getting to grips with it.
Bloom is a regenerative music app.
Will probably release a compilation album of all these tracks created solely with iPhone apps.
The Stonewall riots.
Necro-ing a classic from Cody.
Malaysia isn't the same anymore.
Nazri Aziz - Minister of Lies. Or should that be Minister of Truth?
Suicide is in the air.
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